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Society - April 1, 2013

Esther Perel: Erotic Intelligence

“We need someone to always love. That is exactly why you should never marry “

Oscar Wilde

It is not new that marriage, after several years, it starts to become ‘white’. At first the couples enjoy sex almost everyday. After two years, the sex is on average 13 times a month. In the fifth year of marriage contacts are limited to four times a month. In its seventh year things reach breaking point and it seems that once a month is enough.

According to Newsweek magazine a marriage is considered inactive when the couple had sex less than 10 times a year. Based on this threshold about 20% of couples in America and Europe theorountai’ paroplismena ‘. The same statistics apply to Greece emerged from a large survey of 18,000 couples under the age of 50 conducted by the Society for the Study of Human Sexuality. Greek researchers katelixanlegontas: “The sex is now the great absentee from the daily routine of marriage”. They found that indeed many couples rarely make sex even when both partners say they love each other.

The lack of sex in marriage was not a particular problem a few decades ago. Maybe because then considered insignificant sex for marriage especially by women. As psychologist says Esther Perel, “my grandmother had ten children do not ever know what is orgasm.” But in modern couples, if not a healthy sex life, the marriage begins to creak.

Esther Perel, psychologist and author of Erotic Intelligence

Lack of sex in marriage seems ironically the era of sexual liberation. Every day in the media are more abundant advice for spicy sex. But sexual desire decline among married couples who seem to have lost interest even though they can do as they want sex. Maybe today people are too busy with their jobs, anxious, preoccupied with raising children and too tired for sex.

But Esther Perel, the very nice book of erotic intelligence, suggests that anxiety is not the real reason for the decline of sex in marriage. “The couples do not make love not because they are busy with their work or stress,” writes Perel, “since these problems were usually at the beginning, when the couple was doing well with sex. To problem starts from the fact that sex in marriage is becoming anerotiko. This is ultimately what makes couples break up. There is a lack of love but lack the erotic element. Besides, it is known cue with which many couples separate: “I love you but I’m no longer in love / is with you.”

According to Perel, for sexual boredom liable great intimacy. The question is not fresh or original. Of course, love blooms in an atmosphere of closeness, reciprocity and equality, but the care and protectionism block the carefree spirit of erotic pleasure. “There is a difference in loving and wants someone to love,” says Perel. He concludes: “Take care about sex, not only to love if you want to arrange your wedding. And keep in mind that sometimes the love standing obstacle to marriage. The society has invested in believing that this love will keep her marriage. Has invested in sex that is associated with feelings of love seemingly limit: aggression, jealousy, discord, and a whole lot more. But ultimately it comes down infidelity and divorces are increasing rapidly. See sex as a kind of love in the flesh. ”

The Perel has puzzled sex therapist with bold views. Born in Belgium, studied in Israel and completed his studies in America, where he lives today. Over 30 years ‘coming and going’ in different cultures and this gave her the ability to see a problem from different sides escaping the mainstream. “There was always the idea among psychologists’ notes the Perel,” that when there is a problem during sex, this is a consequence of a problem that exists in the relationship. So trying to fix the problem of the relationship and when this was done, then the sex is supposed to improve. But things are not so. After 20 years of discussions with many couples, I have concluded that the relationship can be improved but this should not have any effect on sex. Improving the relationship does not turn back the ‘fire’. Sexuality stands alone as a parallel story in the relationship. ”

But because sex declines during the marriage? The Perel insists that what is bad is the great intimacy. In her opinion, the advice of many colleagues for couples to come closer and share more things are wrong in many cases. “There is a lack of love or communication kills sex” says Perel, “because at the beginning, when there was a daily sex, love and communication probably been greater. This improves sex is distance. When we see our partner from a distance when coming from the gym or when talking with others or when it leaves us, then rekindled erotic desire. But in marriage see our partner within ten centimeters constantly. So we need to create a short distance. So the person who is so familiar becomes unfamiliar and somewhat mysterious and the space between the two partners can be more erotic. ”

According to Perel, evil begins when someone loves you because he wants to minimize the risk of losing his partner, in other words, seeks security. The increase in affectionate love marriage but it spoils the sex. Why a lot of affection hurts sex? Because The sex is connected with the mystery and the unknown, not knowing the one for everything else. “We need to know your partner as your pocket because then there is nothing left to discover,” says Perel. “Unfortunately, the wedding is just the opposite of the mystery. Is stability and security. To return eroticism be reduced intimacy “. Eventually, Perel reversed the usual approach of colleagues and declared: “Instead of making your relationship then secure the most vulnerable.”

The proposal is true heretic. Couples who live together should create such conditions that resemble those that existed at the beginning of their acquaintance when there was no sex and still had not seen each other outside and stirring. As for what some colleagues say that the companion must be simultaneously and Best Friend, the Perel rejects it, saying: “To reveal everything to each other can become ridiculous. Do not think even for a moment. Sometimes the emotional bonding is through dialogue, but this is not always the case. There should be no verbal intimacy. I see couples are so good friends who can not stand to be lovers. I see people desperate boredom with sex who are willing to risk everything for a few moments forbidden emotion. ”

The Perel says one great example of intimacy that has become fashionable in America to witness the birth o husband of the woman, which is considered very bad. Some psychologists initially thought that the presence of a man in litter would create a greater bond between the spouses and this will unite more. But according to Perel issue is whether this is good or bad for sexuality. “Supposed to be a magical time for the miracle of life and such,” writes Perel “and nobody admits that they can also be disgusting. Have a negative impact on sex life “, and indicate a novel by American writer Alice Walker, in which one character, Hal, when he sees his wife give birth to not touching it ever again.

Sex should not be left to chance but to “be prepared,” says Perel

Consistent with the logic of the Perel, believes that infidelity has nothing to do with the lack of love and communication, as I think many of her colleagues. “I challenge the widespread belief that infidelity is always a symptom of deeper problems in a relationship,” says Perel. “Illegal relationships fired thousands of reasons unrelated to the mistakes made in a marriage. And one of them is sex. Many who commit adultery are relatively happy with their relationship but risking about sex. And this happens while the two lovers must endeavor to find, sometimes huge. But the illegality aphrodisiac. The lover knows nothing about the broken toys should be made for the unanswered calls to the plumber or appointments for children with the dentist. At last the poor old mom feels woman again. ”

By what way can create erotic distance proposed by Perel;’s advice seem subversive. “A certain rawness can help the expression of desire,” Perel says and says what she told a patient to “Kindness makes me feel safe, but when I think of what I want to make love not interested in the security” . According to Perel, o man does not need to be attentive lover and constantly gives importance to women, because their tenderness and oppose protectionism in the rebellious spirit desire. Neither woman needs to be a model of morality in sex and cites the case of a couple’s sexual life suddenly renewed when the woman was inspired to ask her husband for $ 100 to make the perfect oral sex.

Many therapists are fans of spontaneous sex, but not the Perel. “The spontaneous sex is nice, but not always,” says Perel. “Certainly, the couple can have sex whenever he comes but when the going gets tough kids.” And advises: “What we should do is to draft couple sex. The planning may seem pedestrian but actually involves feasibility and feasibility gives value to sex. What we did before we married when dating. Then think about what you wear, you’re going, what we drink, what music we listen to and everything had a specific outcome. Scripting sex we give value to the love affair. When you know when to have sex and prepares it creates romantic. The sexual act must contain the ritual. The woman takes care of herself, take a shower, shave her legs, puts makeup and most importantly removes any negative thoughts that might make antierotiki. When sex becomes spontaneously lost the preparation, the erotic atmosphere and the element of impatience. The woman wanders sloppy at home wearing an old nightgown and slippers plush-let’s not wait for spontaneous initiatives by her husband. Sex is best done deliberately so I urge my patients to not be spontaneous sex. The washing machine, you know, not only enters into service. “…

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