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Society - March 25, 2013

Should we leave our teens make love under our roof?

Should we leave our teens make love under our roof? Caught between the fear of losing their complicity and embarrassment of being confronted with the sexuality of their youth, the parents are struggling to take a clear position. Some tips to help make a decision knowingly.

How to decide?

“Navy Can sleep over?” Asked me the other day Louis, my 17 year old son, now a man without my noticing. Discomfort. His girlfriend is lovely, they seem very much in love, but I really want to imagine frolicking close to my room and pass in my bathroom? “Since then, Marie, 45, is lost in a thousand procrastination. Faced with desire for their child to have sex under their roof, the parents of today, more complicit with their teenagers than before, probably also more liberated sexually than were their own parents, have trouble deciding. In one direction or the other.
Major psychological issues

I must say that most teens consider their bedroom as a studio: they are natural and comfortable to live their private lives, along with their family life. It is therefore straightforward question they ask their parents. But if their application is straightforward, their unconscious motivations may be more complex than it seems. According to Daniel Coum, psychologist and author Isabelle Gravel Making good use of conflict (Milan, 2009), “learning to love is something a bit scary for young people. By asking the question, they ask their parents unconsciously permission to live in love and validate their choice. Those who impose their small (e) Friend (s) do too, but the mode of provocation. Do not miss these primers dialogue because teens need to be enlightened with delicacy respecting their privacy and their choice. ”

Express the desire to live his love life in the family home may also reflect a separation anxiety. It is the firm belief of the psychologist Beatrice Copper-Royer, author of first love, First Love (Albin Michel, 2007): “Sexuality marks the entrance into adulthood, she recalls. This is a crucial step, irreversible, to the separation that young people see. Make love in his childhood bedroom, that’s reassuring, is to be great while being small. “This means that respond favorably to this request for security does not encourage their self-reliant.

“Sexuality is not given, provides child psychiatrist Marcel Rufo, author of Everything that you should never know about sex of your children (LG F, The Pocket Book, 2005). This is an achievement that is hard and individual freedom. How could she win under the parental roof? It is also a personal construction, which involves many steps before passing the act. Today’s parents, believing modern lack of modesty and behave like cavemen! “Eight years later, Annick, 26, remembers with embarrassment condom slipped by the mother of her boyfriend at the time in the middle of Haribo sweets on her nightstand.

The courage to say no

[box type=”note” align=”alignleft” width=”250px” ]Janita, 17: “Their refusal was a big disappointment” “I go out with my girlfriend for eight months, my parents appreciate. I really thought they saw me more as a baby. Three months ago, I asked my mother if Leah could stay home to sleep. She replied: “No way!” In a tone of shocked, and she is taken in explaining that it bothered them, we should not rush things. I told him that I felt like a kid again, she denied. But I’m sure she does not want to see me grow. I no longer invited to Lea’s house like this, at least, things are clear. This history has created a cold. I feel a bit deluded myself on their side cool, great understanding, but in reality they are still a little stiff. ‘[/box]The embarrassment can also be the part of parents. When they, for example, the feeling of formalize prematurely “baby couple.” Or when a simple “Sleep well” by lovers reminds them that they will not sleep, precisely. But no need to lie: the near Place de facto fathers and mothers in a position of voyeurs, more or less consensual. “I always allowed my children to sleep as a couple at home, says Frédérique, 51 years. Love is something intimate, secret, which is not exposed, much less a family. When I was their age, I managed to do it in secret from my parents, when they went out in the evening or the weekend went. ‘

This principle is universally shared by psychologists: sex between teenagers and their parents, the border should remain sealed. Everyone should ignore what is happening in the next room. “We do not have to worry about the sex lives of our children beyond the recommendations for use – contraception, AIDS, sexually transmitted diseases … – and the reminder of the importance of the feeling of love, insists Daniel Coum.

The general rule, an anthropological point of view and not moral is that it spreads outside the family. “While many people are aware qu’abriter loves their teens is not as simple as it sounds, most of them are struggling to put a non sharp and clear. For fear of conflict, hurt their child, no longer loved him, to look old-fashioned …

How do you get at best a refusal? “The simplest way, advises child psychiatrist Daniel Marcelli, author of So this is adolescence (Bayard, 2009). Explain to them that you are home and that this makes you uncomfortable: it’s not their sexuality that is condemned, but the fact that it expresses near you. What is important is to do things the way we feel. Why force if it bothers us, why refuse if it does not bother us? ‘

A conditional yes

[box type=”shadow” align=”alignleft” width=”200px” ]Jhon, 46: “One way for my mother to control my life” “I’ve always brought my boyfriends home. At the time, I thought it was great, my friends envied me. Later, I realized that it was a way for my mother to control my emotional life. Can not penetrate, even, once, I found taking tea with a boyfriend with whom I had broken! In fact, she could not position itself as a parent. She still can not do, by the way … When I asked the girlfriend of my son sleeping in the guest room (no matter what they do in my absence!), My mother deals with reaction . But for me, a couple can not be built under the eyes of parents. ‘[/box] Some accept unreservedly these juvenile love. “Sexuality is a natural pleasure, healthy, why deprive my daughter? Veronique surprised, 52 years. Whatever it is expressed here or elsewhere. And I love it all make love in good conditions. “” In good conditions, “it is also under the parental roof, if it is considered normal to receive her boyfriends child psychologist Maryse Vaillant believes the author of Adolescence daily (Pocket, Evolution, 2003 ). “If the house is large, thick walls and individual privacy is preserved, why ban it? Simply place some limits not to be invaded: from time to time, not every day! “This is what Marion, 43, and Thomas, aged 51, came to accept the summer in the big house they rent in Provence. “We are three couples with children. Our son and his girlfriend are “embedded in them” … But in Paris, no matter they are doing! ‘

“No case is similar to another psychiatrist and psychotherapist puts the torque Serge Hefez. Some teens live peacefully with their sexuality at home, because the limits are clearly laid generational and psychological walls thick enough. Others enjoy, ultimately, their parents do not keep under their control. These should not go against their own values ​​and beliefs, they should not be forced to continue to be loved. That young people appreciate foremost among them is the authenticity and consistency. “Even if it cause conflict, criticism and gnashing of teeth. Finally, nothing prevents from the weekend from time to time, and to entrust the house with lovebirds, then released the weight parental guardian. Daniel Marcelli that equates to “the well-tempered social hypocrisy.”

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